Published August 10, 2003



Wednesdays with mommy
As the "newness" wears off, a group of new mothers is looking ahead
By Anne Moore

Her son was only weeks old, but 34-year-old Betsy Crosswhite knew she needed a community of new mothers. "I was so lonely," she recalls.

So one day, when she was flat on her back at a postnatal exercise class and classmate Cindy Rudman invited her to join a new-moms group, she jumped at the chance--figuratively, anyway.
In the two years since, Crosswhite, Rudman and five other Chicago-area women--new moms all--have met every Wednesday. They gather at 11 a.m. at one home or another, babies in tow, for talk, food, comfort and information. And when it's warm, they meet at a playground, the zoo or the beach, where the kids can run and tumble and the women can trade notes on mothering and feel a little less alone in their newfound career.

More women are taking themselves out of the workforce to raise their children; the Census Bureau recently reported that 55 percent of women who gave birth between July 1999 and July 2000 returned to the labor force within a year, down from 59 percent in 1998. But greater numbers don't make it any easier, especially with Chicago's long and isolating winters, to find like-minded women going through the same phase of life.

New mothers are perfect group material, says Jessica Lippman, a Chicago psychologist who has written about family issues and ran a "mother loss" women's group for five years. "They're all in the same boat; they're all dealing with the same difficulties. They can call their mother or sister, but here's someone down the street: `You're feeling what I'm feeling.'"



Adds Joe Siegler, a psychiatrist who runs Full Life Centers, a storefront therapy business in Lincoln Park: "Life doesn't happen in a vacuum. You have to do it through relationships."



Why wait till the last minute?

Rudman, 33, started hand-picking women for the Wednesday group even before she'd had her daughter, Natalie, now 2. A friend with an older child was part of a moms group, and Rudman wanted to re-create what sounded like a good time and a good thing for someone new to motherhood and staying at home.

She was taking postnatal exercise classes at the Lakeshore Athletic Club, and it was there that she found Crosswhite and others. "Want to join a moms group?"

Initially, eight stay-at-home moms met; one went back to work full time, another moved, another joined because her own moms group had fallen apart. They left behind careers in advertising, marketing, teaching and television production. (Rudman runs a stationery business, part time, from her home. Another mom, an attorney, works part time; Wednesdays were chosen for her convenience.) None are native to Chicago, or have family in the area.

The "quiet" time when their children were infants gave them the opportunity to form deep and abiding friendships, they say. "This group has been my saving grace," says Jennifer Bruns, 36, who has weathered weeks on bed rest while carrying her second baby and the recent losses of a parent and a grandparent.

Now it's nearly impossible to have a long talk; with toddlers climbing stairs and clambering up playground equipment, no one sits much.
All look back fondly on those early days, and consider the group a psychic lifesaver.

" It was the one day of the week I knew I'd get dressed and have a nice lunch," recalls Crosswhite.

Relaxed, if not restful

On one recent Wednesday morning at Rudman's airy Lincoln Park townhouse, the 2-year-olds were in constant motion. The moms, if they could, chatted in the living room about baby gifts, new pregnancies, schools, then moved into the kitchen for Rudman's trademark spread: quiche, salad and lots of desserts. Rudman is known for her "killer" seven-layer cookie.

It was a relaxed and pleasant time, even with seven 2-year-olds on a tear. The women--and children--are so at ease with each other, it seems more family than friends. That said, there's a good mix: Bruns, who has a master's degree from the University of Chicago and ran an early-childhood consultancy before taking on motherhood, talks frankly about giving up the life of the mind for motherhood. Two other moms discuss their children's clothing sizes. Rudman keeps the food moving with ease.

Laurie Mann (the name as published has been corrected here and in a subsequent reference in this text), a former television producer, surveys the relative order at Rudman's and drily recalls a day she hosted, when it took her--and her dog--two hours to clean up the smooshed Goldfish treats.

But enough domesticity: This year the women added a monthly dinner meeting at a Lettuce Entertain You restaurant (so they can all get points). They agree on a thought-provoking topic--say, the future of the United Nations--and come to dinner mostly informed. By dessert they've moved on to reality shows and movie-star gossip. Talk of children and home life is banned.

The monthly dinner will be the group's glue, they say, allowing it go on regardless of next babies and school schedules.

Says Bruns, "Dinner gives us a chance to remember that before we were moms, we were women."

Getting it together

Envious of a friend's group? Start your own, says Tamara Kreinin, co-author of "Girls' Night Out: Celebrating Women's Groups Across America" (Crown, 2002). But keep these points in mind.

- Be clear: Cindy Rudman knew exactly what she wanted: a group of women, new mothers all, going through exactly what she was.

- Don't be afraid to be choosy: Says Kreinin, "There's hundreds of groups around the country, but most fail. Think about how you spend time, and who you want to spend time with."

- Be flexible: When two members of the Wednesday group moved to the suburbs, the other women, all city dwellers, agreed to travel.

- Know yourself: Kreinin, who heads a not-for-profit advocacy group in Washington, D.C., joined a group of nurses who get together to paint. Kreinin is not a nurse, but she wants to paint more, and with this commitment to the group, she says she'll show up and paint.

- Put yourself on the line: Rudman is a self-assured businesswoman. Still, to get what she wanted--a moms group--she had to brave possible rejection.

- Step back: Though Rudman started the group, it runs itself these days. For example, when the weather calls for an indoor meeting--in Chicago, that's most of the year--the women take turns playing host.

--A.M.

Copyright © 2003, Chicago Tribune